why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
