I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
