i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
