D3 body, D1 cock
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
