I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
