So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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