so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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