You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
