Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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