I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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