Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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