Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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