mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
