Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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