I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
