After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize