Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
