Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I fill condoms, not promises.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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