I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
