Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
