Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize