Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
