even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
