Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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