Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I FOUND THE LEGS
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
