i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
