I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Girls should come with a carfax report
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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