I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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