My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
