Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
