New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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