3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
