Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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