I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
