god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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