Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
