an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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