Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
and you fell through a lawn chair
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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