I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
