note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
