All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
