Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
