He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
