"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize