2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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