Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
