Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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