Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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