i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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