On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize