"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He shit in the fireplace
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
