And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
