So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
