I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
