Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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