No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
