My cat gives me a boner
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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