wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
