it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
