def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
