We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
