I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
