Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
