if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
