found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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