He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize