did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize