I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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